Happy New Year! We thought you would like to see how people across the globe welcome in the new year. Here are 10 of the best:
Eating 12 Grapes (Spain)
In Spain, the New Year’s tradition for good luck revolves around grapes. If you can manage to stuff 12 grapes in your mouth at midnight you’ve achieved good luck for the next year. Would a couple of glasses of wine be the same thing?
Coloured Underwear (South America)
In some South American countries wearing coloured underwear will determine your fate for the new year. Red underwear means you’ll find love. Gold means wealth, and white signifies peace.
Takanakuy Festival (Peru)
Every year at the end of December people in this small Peruvian village fist fight to settle their differences. They then start the year off on a clean slate.
Dropping Icecream (Switzerland)
In Switzerland they celebrate the New Year by dropping ice cream on the floor. What a waste!
Don’t Forget The Cows (Belgium)
In Belgium they take their livestock seriously. At least seriously enough that the farmers wish their cows a happy new year! What a moo-ving gesture!
High Jump (Denmark)
In Denmark people climb on top of chairs and literally “jump” into the New Year to bring good luck.
Cemetery Sleepover (Chile)
In Chile families spend the night in the company of their deceased loved ones by sleeping at the cemetery. What Spooktacular way to bring in a new year!
Bread Power (Ireland)
In Ireland they hit the walls with bread to get rid of evil spirits. I wonder if it helps brings in the dough?
Frozen Trunks (Siberia)
Just as you might expect, in Siberia they jump into frozen lakes carrying tree trunks.
Eating For Abundance (Estonia)
In Estonia is all about eating the New Year’s traditions food. People eat seven times on new years day to ensure abundance in the new year.
Cracking Christmas Cracker Jokes
How Does Good King Wenceslas like his Pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noel Coward
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson
Jokes to tickle your fancy
As you must have guessed by now, the team at TM Duche like to have a little fun. In a bid to keep you smiling, we’ve gathered together the top 10 jokes of all time below. Go ahead, have a read and see if they tickle your fancy.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”
‘Dyslexic man walks into a bra”
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’ I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
Any jokes you have that beat these, then just send them through and any really funny ones will be posted on this page.
Bizarre laws
Here’s a rather bizarre, but fabulous collection of 20 strange laws from across the world. Most of these laws still remain in the books today, even if rarely enforced.
In Texas, it’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession
In Philadelphia, you can’t put pretzels in bags based on an Act of 1760
Alaska law says that you can’t look at a moose from an airplane
It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State
California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat
In Singapore, it is illegal to chew gum
In West Virginia, only babies can ride in a baby carriage
In Georgia, it is against the law to slap a man on the back or front
In Michigan, it is against the law for a lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while walking through a mud puddle.
In Kentucky, it’s the law that a person must take a bath once a year
In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway
In the state of Colorado, a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light
In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday
In the State of Kansas, you’re not allowed to drive a buffalo through a street
In Florida, it is against the law to put livestock on a school bus
In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m
In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned
In California, a law created in 1925 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing
The law states that more than 3000 sheep cannot be herded down Hollywood Blvd. at any one time
In Phoenix, Arizona, you can’t walk through a hotel lobby with spurs on
Gee, I Never Knew this Stuff
Surely Not!
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-stars Game
Coca-Cola was originally green
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%, (now get this…)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910
The youngest pope was 11 years’ old
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades – King David, Hearts – Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, Diamonds – Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later
“I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that make them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super bowl
Life lessons from a snowman
So True!
It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on
Wearing white is always appropriate
Winter is the best of the four seasons
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection
There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul
We’re all made up of mostly water
You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Don’t get too much sun
It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet
It’s fun to hang out in your front yard
Always put your best foot forward
There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll
Airline Funnies
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
From a Southwest Airlines employee…. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…"
Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee…. "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma’am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: "We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."
Ownership of 2 cows
Two Cow Defined (Classic) – DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate.”
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
Lipstick Problem
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!
